I had a crush on a girl when I was 16.

She’s Gemini, tall, short hair. We sat next to each other every class everyday. I washed her dishes, waited for her to hold my hands on our way to the cafeteria, and imagined I would be there for her and take care of her when she’s 90 with cancer. We never kissed or had sex and I wasn’t thinking about that at all. It was platonic.

One day, she wrote me a poem and asked me if I could compose a song for it. The poem was beautifully written but so intense that I couldn’t breath. I felt uncomfortable reading it when she was all excited to see my reaction. I should feel happy cuz she finally told me her loving feelings. But I didn’t. It was simply too much for me. Or maybe I just got scared and overwhelmed when things got real. I needed some space alone, talked to other friends vividly and actively in front of her and didn’t pay enough attention to her like I used to do. A few days later, she sensed my intentional distance and gave all my gifts for her back to me. I was notified by our teacher that she didn’t want to sit with me anymore and required to change seats. I was thinking to talk to her and everything would go back to the same way as before. But instead, she left me a five-page goodbye letter. I knew we were over. I was heart broken, crying all the way during my piano performance that same day. I called in sick for the next day packed with midterms so I could avoid seeing her and cry the whole day.

After six months, I got over her. Since then, I’ve never had any crush on any girl.